I thought about titling this blog “The Year that Didn’t Happen,” because, well…it didn’t–at least not as it was supposed to. I was going to be juggling a job, a newly burgeoning film career, being a husband, and being a father to not one, but two boys. But a year ago today I held my second son for the first, and last time. I remember it as if it were yesterday.
Like all babies, he was lighter than he looked. But this one…Isaac looked like me. It was nice to see. I love T3, but he certainly looks more like a Cooper than he does a Brown. Isaac had my nose, which up until his mid-fifties would have been a good thing. (It goes downhill from there.)
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not okay, and that that’s all right. I don’t know if I’ll ever be “OK.” I have an Isaac shaped hole in my heart that couldn’t possibly be filled. But I don’t want that.
I still laugh. I still dream. And if you ask Isaac’s older brother what the meaning of life is, he will answer loud and clear: “Bacon!” I’ve done well.
But Isaac, I miss you, boy. And I always will.
Not many people ask me how I’m doing. This, I believe, is mainly due to the fact that, as a Gemini, I’m quite good at keeping my cards hidden. And I don’t take offense to it. I’m usually more concerned about what is going on in others lives than to worry them with my own. I am fine. Just a little more sad than usual.
I’ve started (again) to write a novel. I don’t have much written but the first page says the following:
To my boys, Thomas D. Brown III and Isaac Joel Brown.
I don’t know when exactly you became my compass on this adventure, but I can’t imagine life without you. And so I dedicate this adventure to you.
Maybe I should have titled the blog “Meandering with Isaac.” #LOL
You have never stopped being an inspiration my boy, and though the idea of waiting any longer to hold you again tears me apart, I’ll do us all a favor, and keep on kickin’ until I’m old and gray. (Don’t tell anyone, but I’m starting to go gray already.)
PS: Your headstone / marker thing is pretty nice. I liked that it had a tree on it. A bringer of life. -T2