2015

I moved across the country.
I lost weight, and gained it back.
I read twenty-three books.  Not one of them was the one I promised to read.
I literally, “leaped for joy,” upon learning of my wife’s pregnancy.
I starred in a movie and made several.
My son taught me how to be a triceratops.  I taught him about bacon.
I was unemployed. “Sorry, we’re going in a cheaper direction.”
But, then I got a job.
I wore a tuxedo, and cried at a wedding.
But then my baby died.  I held him in my arms, only once, for fear I wouldn’t let him go again.
We put him in the ground, and I held my wife.
And, then I went to work.
I made new friends.
I tried new food.
I cried a lot. 
I began working on my novel again.  We’ll see how it works out.
I have not visited his grave.
Christmas is supposed to be a happy time of year.
All I want is for it to be September 8th, and for him to still be here.
But time is a constant.
Thanksgiving was good.
I’ve whispered “I love you” into my son’s ear, on a consistent basis.
I’ve watched Star Wars twice.
I’ll see it again, soon.
I don’t like resolutions.
But I will promise myself, this:

I will not stop.  I will continue.  I will learn how to breathe again.
I will make him proud.
I love you, Isaac.

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Dear Isaac, #1

I’ve been thinking about you today.  Trying to keep it to just at “lunch time” because I won’t be productive otherwise.  My heart breaks every time I do.  No good customer service experience could blossom from that.  #NewJob

I want to make a movie for you, but I don’t know what to do.  I thought I could do a documentary-style essay, or letter from me to you, but that’s too on the nose—I would cry the whole time and not get anything done.

I have a science-fiction idea, which could be really cool if I can shape it into a story.  Ideas come easier than whole stories do.  It’s something you learn the more time you spend writing.  It would help if I knew what you looked like, you know, grown up.  I don’t know.  You were a beautiful baby though, and you had your mother’s lips.  You looked like your brother did when he was first born.  A little more purple, though.

Some people will read that last bit and think my joke in poor taste, but it isn’t for them.  It’s for you and for me.  And if you’re anything like your Dad, which I’m sure you would have been, you’d appreciate a good corpse joke, as I appreciate a good one-nut joke (as it pertains to my survival of testicular cancer in 2001).

Here’s what it boils down to: How can you miss someone you’ve never met so much that it breaks you apart every few days?  How do you tell that story?  You know, without just saying it–that’s too easy, and you deserve a masterpiece, not some Hallmark movie of the week.  I love you more than life.

It’s therapeutic to write to you.  I’m going to do it again.

Does it make a good blog post?  Probably not, but I’d rather keep it here than risk losing the piece of paper.  I’ll write you again soon…once I’ve figured out your story.

Love,

Dad

Moving Forward…

The snob in me wants to wax verbose about how the breeze feels across my neck, but I think that part of me died two weeks ago. I’m sitting here in Garfield Park in Indianapolis on a Saturday evening, getting ready to crew the pick-up shoot for Dark Ground, a feature film I had the pleasure of starring in shortly after moving back to the heartland, and I’ve been hit with a horrible revelation: I might survive this.

My second son, Isaac Joel Brown, was born six weeks early on September 8th, 2015. He was 18.5 inches long and weighed 5 lbs 9 ounces. He died the night before in his mother’s womb, and the moment that should have been overwhelming in its joy was instead filled with sorrow as I saw my son for the first time, a corpse.

Now, I’m a spiritual man, and I believe Isaac to be in Heaven right now and in that moment as well. He left a warm and happy place and found himself in an even better one. This does not comfort me much. I would rather replace this knowledge with the memory of his laugh, smile, cry, touch, smell or any of the other events that might have been had he survived. I look at my oldest son and know that Isaac would have had the best older brother and that not only was his family denied his presence, but he ours.

It’s very easy to look at the horrible things that life throws at you, and simply “throw in the towel.” I could lose faith. Saying “everything happens for a reason” not only sounds stupid in times like these but cruel as well. What reason could be good enough to kill my son?

Dwelling on thoughts like this is the path to the dark side of the force. I will not search for blame. Fear leads to anger, anger to hate, and hate to further suffering. We’ve suffered enough. I have an Isaac sized hole in my heart as proof of that.

So I continued. I continued to take job interviews, work on film projects and I have not stopped writing. This Friday I was offered and in turn accepted a full-time job. I have also begun working on three different film projects and began prepping a fourth (for the 60 Hour Film Challenge).

I make time for my wife. She is suffering as I am suffering. I have hobbies though. I’ve never prayed in a blog post before, but I pray now that God place his healing hand over all of us. Things won’t change over-night, but one day, one minute at a time, we will get through this.

So, Internet, here is my vow: I will not dwell in sorrow and anger, I will not deny them, I will feel them for as long as I must, and I will let them go. I will make this life the best one I can live and I will remember Isaac Joel Brown. I will remember him as he should have been, beautiful and alive. For he was beautiful, and according to his mother, one heck of a kicker!

DSC_4534

I love you, Isaac.

Now, it’s time to make a movie.

New York Kids

I don’t usually review individual episodes of a TV series, but in the case of New York’s finest medical examiner, Henry Morgan’s, most recent adventure I make an exception.

Let me state for the record, that despite some of it’s flaws, I really enjoy “Forever.” It took them a few episodes, but by episodes 5 and 6, I really think they had figured it out. My only issue with the show was how readily available Dr. Morgan seemed to be to go out and solve crimes with his newly found partner, Detective Jo Martinez. He’s a medical examiner for crying out loud, not a millionaire playboy who’s friends with the mayor. We don’t see Lanie Parish following Castle and Beckett around solving murders, do we? That’s because all she needs to do to help solve crime is examine the body in front of her, medically.

Again, I look past this point because the chemistry between Jo and Henry is tangible. But this weeks episode was horrible. Now, there were some good parts with Abe (his adopted son) and between Jo and Lieutenant Reece, but they do not wipe away the sin of making Jo a horrible detective.

Henry, wonderfully played by Ioan Gruffudd, found every piece of evidence in this entire episode. Alana De La Garza had nothing to do as Jo, but stand around and be astonished at how marvelous Dr. Morgan was at knowing a lot of things that allowed him to solve the case without her help…at all!

Do not try to compete with Elementary, just because he’s English he does not have to be Sherlock bloody Holmes! There, I’m done yelling.

When you start treating your main characters like they are stupid, your audience will believe you. I like this show and will continue to watch it so long as they backtrack and forget about him being Benedict Cumberbatch for a minute. Or well, forever.

 

Brain Farting; In Need of Mental Colonic.

I have found, lately, that I’m feeling stuck.  Immovable.  It’s not that I’m not going places, that things aren’t happening and that I’m not an active participant in my life.  Because I am.  No, what I mean is: Have you ever had so many projects going on at the same time, that you lose the “forest for the trees?”  Like a deer in headlights, I have just stopped.

D3Now, don’t get me wrong–I love Diablo 3–it’s a great game, despite Blizzard Entertainments attempt to remove everything that was awesome about Diablo 2 from it.  I’m still playing the game.  I’m having fun doing it.  But what am I not doing?

I’m not writing.  I’m certainly not blogging, until right now, of course.  I keep saying “yes” to things I should say “no” to.  I need a mental cleanse.  I need to find my bearings.  To come up with a new schedule for feeding my brain and for vegging out with my hardcore Barbarian, hardcore MP10 Witch Doctor, and MP10 Wizard.  ‘Cause, they’re awesome.  🙂

Unfortunately, this sounds easier than I’m finding it to actually be.  My son keeps my quite busy, which I don’t mind.  He’s awesome!  He gave me a thumbs up for the first time the other day.  I felt accomplished and I hadn’t done anything.  How awesome is that?  And yes, he is one of the things I said “Yes” to, but definitely not one of the things I shouldn’t have.  It is a huge blessing to have him in my life and I find that he’s teaching me more about me than I’m teaching him, well, anything.

So, I’ve decided (Just now, as I wrote the last paragraph–which was a process: I paced and everything.) that I’m going to treat my writing time like it’s work time.  This should be obvious, and something you’d think I would be doing anyway, but I haven’t.  I’ve been treating it as “my time.”  It is something I love to do, so it couldn’t possibly be work, right?

So not true.

I’m going to start with prioritizing my projects and then work on them as close to “one at a time” as I can.  We’ll see how this goes over the next few weeks.  I’ll keep you posted.  Thanks for “listening.”  It helped me figure out my problem.  You know, saying it.

Now, back to Diablo.  😉

Updates…

I’ve been writing a lot.  Just not here.

I’ve submitted a spec script I wrote for the ABC show “Castle” to Disney/ABC’s Writing Fellowship, NBC/Universal’s Writer’s on the Verge, and to the WB Writer’s Workshop.  Here’s hoping.

“Ripley Madison” has been on the receiving end of a lot of neglect as I’ve been focusing on this as well as a new pilot I’m working on.  Also, I’ve been fine-tuning the “Star Trek” TV-series on the, more than likely, false hope that J.J. Abrams will ever be interested in reading/producing it.  🙂

So, I’ll write a new and full blog post in the next few days to keep y’all apprised as to what’s going on with me and the life that I lead.

Word.

Updates, Skyrim and J.J. Abrams

So, as per my usual, once I get into things I tend to forgo the whole blogging thing and work on said whatever-I’m-in-to. I will try to do better. No point in having a blog if you aren’t going to use it.

So, Updates:

I’ve been in contact with some people at an un-named television station and I’m hoping to hear back from them sooner rather than later. Whether it be good news or bad news at least it’ll be news. I’ve completely re-written “Ripley Madison” and am quite happy with it. This puts me in the “looking for crew” and “casting” phases–which could prove to be both exciting and infuriating. Time will tell.

I still haven’t heard back from J.J. Abrams, I believe it is because he is busy and not a frequent reader of my blog, and not because he doesn’t care–I mean, of course he cares. My script is awesome!

I’ve also started writing another television series pilot, this one not based on someone else’s property, and is tentatively titled “Eden.” It’s a science fiction thriller/chase story set in the not-too-distant-future. I like it, and will post my “elevator pitch” in a future blog…one where I take more than five minutes to compose.

On a slightly nerd-ier note: I started using some “realistic” lighting mods for Skyrim and it’s turned every dungeon into a horror movie. I’m kind of loving it.

scary lighting

Anywho, that’s about it. I’ll write more soon.