Indiana – Hollywood Part Deux?

So, here I am on the set of another movie in so many days. Today I’m playing Nate, the affable best friend of Michael, who is consoling his friend as he deals with girl problems in “Sparks Fly.” Short films are fun to make; the commitment isn’t huge and it helps to exercise your acting muscles.

I’m feeling good. I was cast late last night, as a last minute replacement. Thank you, Elaine Gardner, for dropping my name. There’s nothing like playing make-believe to keep you young. It is, however, par for the course that I am helping the crew out.  I just love being on a movie set and can’t stop myself from asking “what can I do” whenever there’s a break from my own duties. Today, the back of my head gets to play an extra and I get to help move cars for the producers because my scene had to be shuffled around due to an uncooperative sun.

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The more I’m doing this the more I’m learning my lines faster and faster. I can’t wait to see where I am a year from now. My brother and I are slowly putting together a feature film to shoot at his home in South Carolina, and my Star Wars Fan Film has been granted an additional year of pre-production due to an unsuccessful crowdfunding campaign (a blog post about this will be appearing here in the relative future, but suffice it to say I’m not bummed and I think it will work out for the best this way). So, with the new job granting me quite a bit of freedom to shoot, and the 60 Hour Film Challenge in 2 weeks, my Indiana-based Hollywood career is taking off quite well.

Anywho, I’ll write a real blog post here shortly, but for now I have to pretend like I’m drinking the associate producers coffee again.

“Action!”

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Moving Forward…

The snob in me wants to wax verbose about how the breeze feels across my neck, but I think that part of me died two weeks ago. I’m sitting here in Garfield Park in Indianapolis on a Saturday evening, getting ready to crew the pick-up shoot for Dark Ground, a feature film I had the pleasure of starring in shortly after moving back to the heartland, and I’ve been hit with a horrible revelation: I might survive this.

My second son, Isaac Joel Brown, was born six weeks early on September 8th, 2015. He was 18.5 inches long and weighed 5 lbs 9 ounces. He died the night before in his mother’s womb, and the moment that should have been overwhelming in its joy was instead filled with sorrow as I saw my son for the first time, a corpse.

Now, I’m a spiritual man, and I believe Isaac to be in Heaven right now and in that moment as well. He left a warm and happy place and found himself in an even better one. This does not comfort me much. I would rather replace this knowledge with the memory of his laugh, smile, cry, touch, smell or any of the other events that might have been had he survived. I look at my oldest son and know that Isaac would have had the best older brother and that not only was his family denied his presence, but he ours.

It’s very easy to look at the horrible things that life throws at you, and simply “throw in the towel.” I could lose faith. Saying “everything happens for a reason” not only sounds stupid in times like these but cruel as well. What reason could be good enough to kill my son?

Dwelling on thoughts like this is the path to the dark side of the force. I will not search for blame. Fear leads to anger, anger to hate, and hate to further suffering. We’ve suffered enough. I have an Isaac sized hole in my heart as proof of that.

So I continued. I continued to take job interviews, work on film projects and I have not stopped writing. This Friday I was offered and in turn accepted a full-time job. I have also begun working on three different film projects and began prepping a fourth (for the 60 Hour Film Challenge).

I make time for my wife. She is suffering as I am suffering. I have hobbies though. I’ve never prayed in a blog post before, but I pray now that God place his healing hand over all of us. Things won’t change over-night, but one day, one minute at a time, we will get through this.

So, Internet, here is my vow: I will not dwell in sorrow and anger, I will not deny them, I will feel them for as long as I must, and I will let them go. I will make this life the best one I can live and I will remember Isaac Joel Brown. I will remember him as he should have been, beautiful and alive. For he was beautiful, and according to his mother, one heck of a kicker!

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I love you, Isaac.

Now, it’s time to make a movie.